I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
