i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
