I've blown a few things in my day
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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