chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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