I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
