Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
