If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
