I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
