After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
