i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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