walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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