it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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