woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
