My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
