you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
