I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
