Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you inspire me to be a worse person
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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