is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
