Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
