I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
