I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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