A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
