is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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