I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
