when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
