I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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