yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
