I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
