you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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