Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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