I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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