The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
