I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
