I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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