im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
