he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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