Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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