these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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