Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
