So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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