What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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