Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
