too bad you live with your parents still
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
