just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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