Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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