I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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