Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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