If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i think my cat just said my name.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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