My balls are so social today.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
