Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
