Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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