okay pat passed out under dana's car
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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