I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
