i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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