I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize