Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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