Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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